You’ve probably seen it. A grown man throwing a tantrum because someone disagreed with him. A 40-year-old woman giving the silent treatment because her expectations weren’t met. Adults refusing to take responsibility, blaming everyone but themselves. And you think, “Why are they acting like toddlers?”
The answer lies in the nafs.
In Islam, the nafs is a core part of us that affects our thoughts, emotions, and decisions. It’s the part that desires, reacts, feels, and chooses. The Qur’an describes different levels of the nafs, but many people stay stuck at the very first stage, no matter how old they are.
The lowest level is nafs al-ammarah, the evil commanding nafs, mentioned in the Qur’an as follows: “Indeed, the nafs is ever inclined to evil, except those upon whom my Lord has mercy.” (Qur’an, 12:53)
This nafs is impulsive, selfish, and driven by base desires. It craves instant gratification, resists responsibility, and reacts emotionally. It screams: “I want it now.” “I’m always right.”
It’s no wonder this level of the nafs resembles a toddler; selfish, tantrums, impulsive decisions. But toddlers have an excuse, their brains are still developing. They’re not expected to have control over their impulses yet.
A 40-year-old with the same patterns? That’s different. When an adult blames others, refuses feedback, and avoids accountability, it’s not because they’re young, it’s because their nafs was never disciplined.
Their body matured, but their nafs did not. And this is dangerous. A toddler’s tantrum can cause some chaos, but an adult’s tantrum? It can break relationships while causing great damage.
But not everyone stays stuck. Some begin to feel uncomfortable with their own behaviour. They recognise the harm their anger causes, feel regret, and become aware of Allah’s commands.
This discomfort is the beginning of growth, the nafs al-lawwamah, the self-reproaching nafs, as mentioned in the Qur’an, “And I swear by the self-reproaching nafs.” (Qur’an 75:2)
This nafs reflects. It still sins, but it hates the sin. It questions: “Why did I act like that?” “What’s going on inside me?” This internal struggle is sacred, the jihad of the self. It’s where growth begins.
At this stage, a person starts taking responsibility. They slip, but they apologise and reflect. It’s a struggle because the nafs resists being challenged, but it’s hopeful. The nafs is no longer a slave to its lower impulses as it fights to align with truth, values, and ultimately, with Allah.
If the person keeps striving, repenting, and returning to Allah, they can reach nafs al-mutma’innah, the tranquil nafs, as described in the Qur’an, “O tranquil nafs, return to your Lord, well-pleased and pleasing [to Him]…” (Qur’an, 89:27–30)
At this stage, the nafs is at peace. It trusts Allah, accepts hardships, and finds contentment in remembrance of Allah. It no longer seeks validation from others but is anchored in its relationship with the Creator. Its peace is not circumstantial, it’s rooted in submission and taqwa.
This journey from the lower nafs to the tranquil nafs is life’s most important journey. Your age increases automatically but the maturity of your nafs does not, it needs effort from your end.
May Allah enable us to purify our nafs. Ameen.
Dr Zuleyha Keskin is the author of Your Journey to Inner Peace (available on Amazon).
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