Trying to change your life by hoping for others around you to change is futile. Change can only happen when one is ready and lasting change is only possible when it comes from within.
Several years ago, when I was in the process of analysing my behavioural patterns to make sense of my life, I realised that the reason I was stuck for a decade in a marriage that was violent was that I was putting all my energy into trying to change someone else (the man I was married to at the time).
Never once did I reflect on my own thoughts, words, actions and patterns to understand that that man was not the maker and destroyer of my happiness…I was, through my own choices and through my resistance to submitting to Allah.
Mind you, at the time I wasn’t Muslim so I didn’t quite understand what submission to my creator meant.
Trying to change someone else always backfires because there is this sense of control that we assume over another.
There is never harmony in a home where there are people trying to control others. It’s an oppressive nature to control.
How many times have you heard people say “I’ve tried everything to make him/her change but they just won’t listen”? Well, the key is to become the change yourself.
Changing yourself will require you to respect and understand and love yourself. Playing victim is not the solution. Placing blame on another keeps you stuck in your self-imposed prison.
You can walk out of this prison by changing your mindset from blame to responsibility. Stop blaming, start taking responsibility for your own thoughts, words and deeds.
Once I realised my own patterns, I was aware of what I deserved in life. The moment I became aware of my self-worth, I realised that what I thought I deserved was false and based on fears and insecurities, such as, if I leave him, who will marry me? Who will ever love me? I can’t have a failed marriage.
All these dark, fearful thoughts shackled me into believing that the circumstances I was living in was what I truly deserved.
It was only after realising that I am worthy and deserving of a respectful life that I gathered the courage to end the repetitive cycle of attracting, condoning, perpetuating, and justifying violence in my life.
Journaling prompts to help you become the change you want to see in others
Be honest when answering these journal prompts. Be willing to change your mindset from blame to responsibility.
1. Identify what is hurting you, who is hurting you.
2. Identify why you feel you deserve to be hurt in that way.
3. Identify what behaviours about others affect you.
4. Identify what behaviours in you match those same behaviours you dislike in others.
5. Identify what feelings of fear you have regarding your relationships, your job, your financial security.
6. What do you want to change about yourself?
7. How do you want to change? Give yourself achievable, realistic goals.
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