Shame, blame, guilt, and regret hijack our happiness, sucking us into a dangerous and anxious whirlpool of sorrow, depressive symptoms, and a repetitive cycle of negative reactive behaviours.
Let’s look at each one separately to understand how our happiness is hijacked by these emotions.
Shame:
This is a feeling that occurs when something terrible happens to you and you end up thinking that you are terrible because of the terrible thing that happened. It’s when you start thinking of yourself as a “bad person” because something bad happened to you. A common example is a child victim of sexual abuse who grows up in deep shame, perceiving that he or she is a bad person.
Blame:
This is something we feel when we resist taking responsibility for our own actions. We may deflect from our accountability and responsibility by finding fault elsewhere. In situations where there is no one to blame, we often continue to avoid reflection and responsibility by simply blaming ourselves. Blame is probably the biggest happiness hijacker. Blaming others or self keeps us in a victim state. No matter what the situation or who all were involved, blaming is never the answer. You lose power when you are playing the blame-game.
Guilt:
It is key to understand if the guilt is appropriate or irrational. Appropriate guilt is when you truly have participated in a wrongdoing, in which case self-reflection, repentance, seeking forgiveness, feeling remorse and transformation through self-kindness is required. Irrational guilt is where you involve yourself in someone else’s wrong-doing just by association and feel guilty without any reason.
Regret:
The inability to accept something or some outcome can lead to constant feelings of regret. This incessant dwelling in the world of ‘should have, could have, would have’ takes a huge toll on the mind and keeps the person stuck in the past. Regret makes a person feel that just because something did not go right the last time, that it might happen again. A good deed goes unacknowledged, you feel like you are better off not helping because ‘look what happened the last time I helped so and so’.
Strategies to overcome shame, blame, guilt, and regret
Shame – Understand that it’s NOT your fault. Whatever bad happened was NOT your doing. Talk to a counsellor to process the incident to work on forgiveness.
Blame – Be the observer of your choices and take responsibility for how your thoughts, words, and actions are affecting your life’s outcomes. Exit the blame-game. Take full accountability of your choices.
Guilt – Accept the truth that some things are beyond your control. Finding fault in yourself for things you are not in control of is unreasonable and irrational. Ask yourself “Can I change this?” If the answer is yes, then change it. If you can’t change it, then stop making it your problem.
Regret – Perfection is a myth. Do your absolute best and surrender to Allah without attaching to outcomes.
Comments