When we get married, we naturally expect it to be forever so we personally invest and attach ourselves to relationships (physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc). Because of this, it’s not easy to leave despite abuse or not being in-love. You may still be uncertain about leaving because you share children, enjoyed lifestyle benefits and are financially dependent.
And when you do finally leave knowing it’s the right decision it’s normal and natural to feel low. You are still grieving and that’s ok too! Don’t expect to come out of relationships without having to feel pain, hurt, questioning yourself is you made the right choice.
All these are fine and it will pass. Be mindful of the thoughts but don’t absorb the emotional elements that then cloud your reality in the now and present. In the now and present you are safe from the pain that was forced upon you externally. You are safe. Resist the negatively bias that your mind will want to you spiral under and know that you have removed yourself form harm and that you are strong and responsible for that.
Do not worry about community or family gossip that can also follow as a consequence of leaving the relationship, those people do not matter at all. Stuff them, truly. Do not feel guilty for your choices, nor allow other make your feel guilty for responsible decisions made.
Don’t let your estranged husband or other people exert power of you after you developed the strength to leave and action your safety and sanity (and that of your children if you have them).
Allow yourself to build resilience from the separation, recover and set-boundaries from the relationship. Otherwise if you cannot fill in your time you may find yourself missing the toxic relationship that you left because that’s the only thing you knew for many years and your mind prefer what is familiar over being stagnant and not actively engaged in recovery.
It’s time to also become more autonomous. Try and create a life now that includes activities that you could not have during your relationship, eg more family time, friends, hobbies, work, and other activities and interests. You will benefit from a fulfilling life to supplement or replace your relationship. That’s the key. After investing so many years in the relationship to make up for the gaping hole created from separation, fill it in with good things, activities, volunteering, family and friends, salat, duas, etc
Practice rigorous exercise or yoga if your body feels stuck. By exercising you can help your mental processing also become unstuck where you will be feeling more confident and thinking clearer.
Take lessons from your previous marriages and move forward with assurances that your choices are for the sake of Allah, and knowing that Allah loves His creation and those that love Him alhamdullilah. Human love can be blind but loving Allah with conviction is the Highest of any love and is the safest attachment and the best relationship we can have.
If you have children from the marriage, your children can reflect the mood that you show them and become confused. Your child will respond to your positive or negative vibes so you are better off responding in a helpful and beneficial manner. Share age-appropriate communication about the divorce with your children.
It’s important that you child feels loved, safe, and heard so it’s important to encourage them to share their concerns with you. We all know that expressing your feelings and being able to convey them is beneficial. So, encouraging your child to expression their feelings is health and helps with their emotional development so be a good role model where emotions are explored and discussed openly with your children by normalising them.
If the grief, hurt, trauma, or depression becomes very difficult to deal with where it starts to interrupt the things you previously enjoyed, studied, worked or worshipped then find a good therapist for yourself. Engaging with a therapist will help you cope as you struggle with feelings of sadness, guilt, fear, anger, anxiety, and frustration. Taking affirmative action to be in therapy is a strength, and not a weakness.