After much heart-aching deliberation and hand-wringing at the great expense of the small reserve of heart I seem to have, I have made the fast intent and resolved to decisively give up my short lived career in match-making after two recent and a number of past heartaches.

To my defence, I did not instigate any invitation to any of the protagonists to be bound in matrimonial felicity, but they had approached me thinking good of their brother, whilst apparently wallowing in their poverty of lack of conjugal companionship.

But at every turn it seemed some vain fancy always undermined their potential (no need to get Jabri, let’s not suppose the hands of naseeb were broken).

Looks are important, and practising or otherwise, no one wants to admit it. It has come up too many times after initially being the pillar of humility “bro I just want a pious…” …please to refrain

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But youth fades, o young’uns, and you’re ‘stuck’ with that person. It’s not illegal to be real.

Also, men (and women), if you suffer from unbridled lust exacerbated in this era of sexualised everything, a marriage won’t solve it. 100% Guaranteed, money-back. Also, you can’t devour each other’s bodies in half the ways you know about and are mostly keen on doing (they’re either ‘disliked’ or ‘against propriety’ or even prohibited). If you’re mostly looking to marry to curb the lust, don’t get married yet but talk to me, I think I have some practical advice.

The best analogy to illustrate is gluttony; a glutton cannot be healed by just giving him/her halal food. Likewise a halal relationship won’t do the job.

Every marriage is a ‘risk’, you cannot possibly know how it’ll turn out. But too many get cold feet and struggle to (firstly) run with the Sunnah and then say bismillah.

In a number of occasions I was on the verge of saying dammit I’ll marry you! It’s not that hard!

I apologise for any grief that I caused you and for not having the emotional capacity to continue in this semi-noble work. Please overlook my uncouthness and transmute any ill feelings to good. I kindly need you to do this, may Allah accept the Dua that make for you:

May Allah the Most High transmute your shortcomings to good deeds, grant you the Prophet’s intercession, ward off every hardship that could befall one in the grave, grant His Shade to your resurrected person and admit you to the Garden of Eden without let or hindrance from any evil and without account.